toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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