I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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