my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
