i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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