it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
