capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
