she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
