that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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