So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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