Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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