I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
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sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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