He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
