I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
