Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
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Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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