My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
