I accidentally had phone sex last night
This girl is more easily done than said...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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