You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
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Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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