i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
