It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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