i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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