The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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