My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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