I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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