I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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