sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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