It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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