I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
