babies were throwing up all over the place
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
