i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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