Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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