So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
