I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I love you. Go after that dick
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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