My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
