There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
