he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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