I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
