i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
