Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
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Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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