so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
