i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
