When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
