It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
