my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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