I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
