my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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