I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
