We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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