I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
