Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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