It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
