how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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