im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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