areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
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