Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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