i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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