hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
