Fine. I'll sleep in my office
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
