he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
