His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
