You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
