My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
